As an agile coach, one of the basic things that I teach is the idea that "Reality is Perceived" and that therefore, communication and learning are essential components of any type of work and relationship.
As it turns out, I have a lot of learning and personal development to do to improve my communication abilities. Last fall, my lack of communication with my wife, caused a large crisis in our marriage (there were other things too). I wasn't deliberately, consciously holding back information, but my unconscious habit was to do so. I didn't talk about my feelings. I didn't talk about our financial situation (which at the time was bad). I didn't talk about my concerns and problems at work. I didn't talk about things that were going on with my friends and family. I didn't talk about my concerns with my relationship with Melanie. I just didn't talk about stuff much.
As it turns out, I recently discovered, this poor communication was also causing problems for me at work.
Since that crisis last fall, Melanie tells me that I have improved in my communication abilities. I have been working at it very hard.
Part of my lack of communication comes from high school. In grade eleven I had a large problem with some of my friends because I was too free with their confidences. After that crisis, I made it a habit not to talk about anything that anyone had told me to anyone else!
Another part of the problem was put into place in my early twenties when I was involved with a woman who was extremely good at manipulating me emotionally. Again, in response, I became even less forthcoming with my feelings and thoughts, as a defense mechanism.
There may have been other things too that contributed.
What am I doing to improve? Well, I make a conscious effort to review my day mentally and talk to my wife about what has happened throughout the day. I don't always remember everything, but I know it is better than before. More difficult, I have also been making a conscious effort to talk with her about my feelings. I am fortunate that I don't have too much trouble identifying and being aware of my feelings. But I still feel uncomfortable sharing them, particularly negative feelings.
I know I still have a long way to go, but hopefully these efforts will lead to better family function... both at a practical day-to-day level, and in the long term in creating beautiful relationships with my wife and children and friends.
