As an agile coach, one of the basic things that I teach is the idea that "Reality is Perceived" and that therefore, communication and learning are essential components of any type of work and relationship.
As it turns out, I have a lot of learning and personal development to do to improve my communication abilities. Last fall, my lack of communication with my wife, caused a large crisis in our marriage (there were other things too). I wasn't deliberately, consciously holding back information, but my unconscious habit was to do so. I didn't talk about my feelings. I didn't talk about our financial situation (which at the time was bad). I didn't talk about my concerns and problems at work. I didn't talk about things that were going on with my friends and family. I didn't talk about my concerns with my relationship with Melanie. I just didn't talk about stuff much.
As it turns out, I recently discovered, this poor communication was also causing problems for me at work.
Since that crisis last fall, Melanie tells me that I have improved in my communication abilities. I have been working at it very hard.
Part of my lack of communication comes from high school. In grade eleven I had a large problem with some of my friends because I was too free with their confidences. After that crisis, I made it a habit not to talk about anything that anyone had told me to anyone else!
Another part of the problem was put into place in my early twenties when I was involved with a woman who was extremely good at manipulating me emotionally. Again, in response, I became even less forthcoming with my feelings and thoughts, as a defense mechanism.
There may have been other things too that contributed.
What am I doing to improve? Well, I make a conscious effort to review my day mentally and talk to my wife about what has happened throughout the day. I don't always remember everything, but I know it is better than before. More difficult, I have also been making a conscious effort to talk with her about my feelings. I am fortunate that I don't have too much trouble identifying and being aware of my feelings. But I still feel uncomfortable sharing them, particularly negative feelings.
I know I still have a long way to go, but hopefully these efforts will lead to better family function... both at a practical day-to-day level, and in the long term in creating beautiful relationships with my wife and children and friends.
20060818
20060521
Poemotion: My Mom's New Blog
Check it out at http://poemotion.blogspot.com/. She will be publishing poetry, images, videos, music and announcements about performances there.
20051108
Melanie's new web site
MelanieAndersen.com has lots of information about homeschooling, ecological and ethical housing, our family and other nifty tidbits. Check it out!
Detachment and Emotions
In a marriage, hiding emotions and bottling them up is very bad news. They'll come out somehow, and it will probably be in a dysfunction of some sort. For myself, I ended up over-eating in restaurants and buying lots of silly gadgets that I didn't need in order to make myself feel better. Bad, Bad, Bad.
20050719
Man's Search for Meaning
Great book, read it. I highly recommend it to everyone. It is well written, accessible and deeply insightful.
20050717
Welcome
This is just a first post to get started. I welcome everyone to the Family Function blog. Basically, I'll be talking about my own family, how it functions, and trying to point to resources to help other families - yours, to be specific. As a starting point, you can look to my wife's web site for pics and some stories. You might also check out my personal journal blog although it's not quite as relevent.
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